Out Of The Moment For A Moment

There was a giant window built into the wall directly across my feet. I saw the cars from a far across the street, four stories up into the air. My feet twisted and my ankles twirled as I waited patiently in pain; my hands married together and thumbs aggressively played “Thumb War.” My mouth was damn dry, my breath blew heavily threw my nostrils onto my dry hanging lips. They weren’t even worth licking, there was no moisture that could hydrate them. I listened to the voices outside the room as I watched the cars out the giant win

dow traffic jam themselves because one person didn’t go on a yellow light. The cars behind him honked. Some sounded like a squeaky bike horn, some sounded like a stream trumpets on a train. They were all having a bad moment, and the car head made it worse. Why do other civilians do that, anyway? Yellow means “slow down” not stop.

There was a beaming light over my head. The heat felt nice on my skin shriveled. Goosebumps stretched up my arms and my knee began to quiver in fear. My eyes remained protected as I stared up at the bright light over my head. A cool numbing feeling shot across the right side of my face. I tucked my hands flat under my bottom, but my body didn’t bear enough weight to keep my hands warm. The voices outside my room scared me as they grew closer. His voice got deeper and nearer. I started to get dizzy and suddenly… the air… the air started to smell… sharp and clean…. After minutes of wishing he wouldn't come in the room, he came in and sat next to me in a chair and pushed the light closer to my face. I closed my eyes and tried not to feel any pain, I only hoped to feel the heat from the beaming bright light. A push here, a tug there and… SHARP! I had nothing to grip. I crossed my arms across my chest and dug my fingers into my flat biceps… I felt that…

He looked at me and the fear on my face, the tears rolling down the my temples and into my ear. He spoke to me, I nodded my head, though I didn’t know what he said. SHARP! I felt that… a little more. I wanted to go home. I wanted to leave my body. I was sure I’d be in good hands. The pressure of his large hands pressed down on the right side of my jaw. I couldn’t see anything. He was blocking my side view to see what he was doing or what he might do next. But then in that moment, I thought… maybe he’ll do me the favor and kill me? I was beginning to have mixed thoughts. Please be done! I thought to myself! I didn’t want him to do it anymore! GET AWAY FROM ME! I screamed in my head.

The light was lifted from my face and stood over my exhausted body. I couldn’t feel him anymore. I couldn’t feel the pain. I couldn’t feel the coolness. I couldn’t feel the fear. I just felt exhausted and I’ve never in my entire life wanted to go home so badly before. I sat up with my mouth was open. He should’ve just killed me by accident or something. I looked at him, he spoke words I wasn’t listening to; the words fled from his as his deep bass voice wrapped around my ear drums. He removed his gloves and kept his mask on. He handed me a tiny plastic white bag and walked away. I couldn’t tell how he felt or what he thought. His mask withheld his expressions from me and anyone else. I wondered how he looked. I wondered if he wanted to show his face. The chatter outside the room started up again and his deep voice faded away. The sharp smell lingered, so strong I could see it. It was clean and slightly sweet, a cool minty-like smell. I wondered what that smell really was. It was definitely a smell that made me a little nervous. A smell that will stick in the crevices of my memory. I’m going to remember everything about this place, everything about the plain white walls that looks like a padded cell everything about him, everything about my damn dry mouth.

 I looked one last time out the window before heading out the room. The cars that had jammed themselves outside had already gone, and I saw the light change from green. A tiny pink slug bug drove and stopped at the yellow light with her hair wagging from left to right and right to left as her lips shrieked silent lyrics. There was no yapping train behind her as she sat peacefully at the yellow light that shortly changed red. She loved life for what it was in that very moment and didn’t realize it. I thought. The drool began to fall down on my sleeping static skin of my bottom lip and chin. Catching my own drool was cold to my hand but not to the skin on my face. I walked out of the room wanting to pass out on the dusty ground with foot prints of all different kinds of shoe styles and sizes, stamped on every square foot, one on top of another. There was a larger room outside of mine full of randoms staring at me. I knew what they were thinking. They were probably wondering what kind of disability I had. But I didn’t. I just felt like I had no choice but to have an open mouth and a stiff face. I’ll remember this crowd of randoms who did nothing for me but make assumptions about me.

 I proceeded to walk throw the room feeling like a confident drunk, knowing those random people demanded an explanation. Thank goodness! I’ll sleep this off. I thought to myself. With my stale face, dry lips and saliva soaked chin, I wished the rude and random crowd a pleasant evening in my thoughts and exited the doors. I looked inside of my tiny white bag and pulled out a small plastic blue cubed case. Inside was a detached piece of decalcified Phosphorus that sheltered a brown battle wound on its backside. It was dead inside of the case; all the life sucked out of it forever. And the wet and mushy hole it left behind made me think in that very moment… “I never want to miss out on life. Pain is temporary. Death is forever.”